On Friday, the news of the horrific events in Newtown rocked me to the core. I think as a parent it was completely devastating and terrifying but just as a human being, it was just one of the worst things you could flip on the news to see happening. I watched and cried and watched and cried some more and thought and held my babies so tight it probably scared them. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. Why? A question that every little kid in America is asking their Mommies, Daddies, and teachers, and I'm asking the same question. I don't know that we'll ever have an answer but I know this is something that will affect all of us for a long, long time, if not forever.
I woke up on Saturday hoping that this was all a bad dream. If that's how I felt, how did the families who lost their own children feel??? I couldn't even scratch the surface. As the media uncovers more and more details, I watch less and less. But that doesn't mean I'll forget. I just cannot bear to see those families who lost innocent little babies. I say babies because that's what they were. Six and seven years old is not even a fraction of the amount of time those children should have lived. I can't bear to see the faces of those children. My stomach twists just thinking about it. I feel angry, heart sick, and lost. And again, that doesn't even compare to what the families of those lost are feeling.
I know there were also adults who died tragically, and I keep referencing the children. I am in no way trying to lessen the grief that the families of the teachers and principal are experiencing as well. It's all senseless and awful. It's just a different kind of sad when children die. It's just not supposed to be . . .
I have so many thoughts, so many fears, so many prayers. My daily struggles, anxieties, and stresses pale in comparison. At the VERY least, I definitely have some perspective now, just a few instances that pop into my head: On Friday right before I got home to see the news, I was having a really rough day with Sofia. It was the culmination of a few weeks of constant defiance from her, and I had hit my breaking point with her. When I got home to see the news I immediately grabbed her and hugged her and cried. 'I am blessed to have her right here in my arms', I thought, and I apologized to her for yelling at her. As an innocent child does, she immediately forgave me and was a perfect angel the rest of the evening. Another instance: Gabe has been waking up at night again, causing some annoyance and sleep disturbance for Mike and I. Now, I have to remind myself "I am blessed to have my little baby at arm's reach to be able to comfort him back to sleep." Yet another: Sofia was sick yesterday, with a stomach bug and super high fever. I relished in her needing cuddles all the while thinking "There is nothing worse than having a sick child." I thought again. There is something worse; much, much worse. And lastly: I find myself feeling sorry for myself that our house in Milwaukee hasn't sold and we're still living with my parents. Then I remember the parents who are waking up every day in their own homes with an empty bed that will never be filled. I have my husband, extended family and my two beautiful children whom I will never ever take for granted, and I thank God for that, all the while realizing that tomorrow is not promised. I will love my family with every ounce, every day. I will pray, and I will lean on God.
While I wish there was something I could do to erase what happened, there is not. I don't have answers, just questions. I don't even have enough words to express my feelings. All I have are prayers. I pray that I never know what it feels like to outlive a child, and I pray for those families who have. It's times like these I'm thankful to be able to rely on my faith b/c without it what else is there in a time like this? I hope and pray those families and the town of Newtown can do the same. . . what a trying time. May God's love and peace envelop them and the rest of the world.
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